The following is a transcript of a live presentation given at Brigham Young University on October 23, 2002 by Dr. B. Kent Harrison.

            My name is Kent Harrison.  I welcome you to this presentation, and we speak today on a topic, “Domestic Abuse: When Home Isn’t a Haven,” appropriately since October is Domestic Abuse Awareness Month.  I will speak primarily on spouse abuse, but note that some of my comments may also apply to child abuse by parents.  The theme for the conference is “Embracing Hope,” a positive theme suggesting that there is life after abuse and that there is hope for curing it.  I don’t have all the answers, but there is much that we can say in that direction.  Now it’s often gratifying to have people come to hear one speak, but in a way I wish you weren’t here today because I suspect some of you are here because you have some concern or experience with domestic abuse, whether in your own life, someone in your own families, or in the lives of someone you know.  I’m sorry it exists, but abuse is a fact of life.  It can happen in the best families.

You need to know something about me.  I am a retired physics professor.  What does a physics professor, retired or not, know about abuse?  There is a saying about retirement: that it is twice as much husband for half as much money.  That’s a little worrisome.  I hope my wife Janice doesn’t mind having me around the house twice as much as formerly.  She assures me that she likes having me home.  I might add that she helped me greatly in the preparation of this talk.  We all hope no wife minds having her husband around the house.  Unfortunately there are families in which she does, or worse, she may fear having him around.  Working in women’s issues on campus, researching and writing on abuse, and serving on the board of the local women’s shelter for twelve years, and as indicated four years as president, has given me much exposure to information on domestic abuse.  I am not a marriage counselor, though I learned much about abuse while I was a BYU married ward bishop.

            Does spouse abuse happen in LDS marriages?  Unfortunately, yes.  Probably at a rate comparable to the general population.  In a small percent of marriages, the figure depends on the type of abuse specified.  There is a paragraph condemning abuse in Proclamation on the Family, and President Hinckley and many other Church leaders have spoken out several times against abuse.  Those facts in themselves are evidence that there is abuse among Church members.  I saw cases during my eight years as campus bishop.  A former Relief Society president from the community gave me a list of incidents of abuse during her tenure.  In one case, a husband threatened to kill his wife.  In another, the wife was belittled by her husband for her weight, her looks, her inability to keep the house the way he wanted it.

            While abuse is not a particularly pleasant topic, it is still useful to discuss it.  There is a scripture that suggests that approach.  In Alma 37:29, when Alma is counseling his son Helaman about secret oaths and combinations, he says while instructing Helaman to keep the oaths themselves secret: “Their [that is the workers of darkness, wickedness], and their murders and abominations shall ye make known unto them, the people.  And ye shall teach them to abhor such wickedness and abominations and murders.”  This is entirely consistent with current wisdom regarding abuse.  Discuss it in public, make it known.  Keeping such matters secret only tends to perpetuate them.

            To begin, I note that just because violence sometimes exists in families does not mean the family institution should be replaced, although some people in this world seem to think so.  Similarly, just because arguments happen does not mean abuse happens.  It is to be expected that in the close quarters of a normal home, sometimes disagreements and even arguments arise.  My wife pointed out to me that the situation in “The Diary of Anne Frank,” a play we saw recently, illustrates that well.  In the small space of that attic where eight people lived for two years, it was inevitable that there would be a number of such problems.  Yet there was love present as well.

            I suppose that some of you people out in the audience are relatively newly married.  Maybe for only one or two years.  You probably found when you got married that you had a lot to learn about each other, much of which was unexpected.  Carl Fred Broderick in his book Couples tells of a couple who came to him on the brink of divorce after only one month of marriage.  It seems that after their first night together, the young man dropped his clothes on the floor, expecting his bride to pick them up for the laundry.  She was used to having clothes put in the clothes hamper, and so she refused to pick them up.  The next morning the same thing happened, and after a while a pile of dirty clothes became enormous, and they were sleeping in separate rooms.  Broderick convinced them to get a clothes hamper into which the man would put his clothes and the wife would take them out to wash.  The problem was that the two had had different scripts for how a household should be managed.  All newlyweds have had to face this kind of thing.  Disagreements, even arguments, may continue through years of married life.  It happens in my own marriage.  Sometimes people hear things differently.  In another example in Broderick’s book, an older couple about to get married were choosing the groom’s wedding attire.  They completely misunderstood each other’s actions and words.  The wife-to-be expressed her feelings about his wedding suit, and he thought she was telling him what to do, and the result was a broken engagement.  Communication, as you no doubt have heard, is very important in marital relations.

            Now, we’ll discuss what actions might be called “abuse.”  The actions that I have described are usually not called abuse.  What is it then?  Abuse occurs when there is an element of cruelty or subjugation.  Abuse as defined in the Utah Spouse Abuse Act is “intentional physical harm or attempting to cause physical harm or intentionally placing another in fear of imminent harm.”  But I would go further.  Actions that belittle, demean, put down a person should be included.  Marital rape is abuse and incidentally is against the law in most states, including Utah.  There are other definitions.  For example, any behavior that is designed to control and to subjugate another human being through the use of fear, humiliation, and verbal or physical assault, or the systematic persecution of one partner by another.  The local newspapers report cases in which there even have been homicides resulting from spouse abuse.  There have been a number of such cases in the last few weeks, and it was reported on TV recently that there were 67 domestic abuse related homicides in Utah last year.

            I do believe that LDS temple marriages have fewer cases of abuse than civil marriages.  Also our LDS beliefs about and an emphasis on good marriages may help resolve at least some abuse cases favorably.  A frequently asked question is, “Do husbands abuse wives more often than wives abuse husbands?”  The answer is probably, maybe almost certainly.  But the answer may be kind of on the type of abuse, whether for example physical or verbal abuse.  We hear about more cases of husbands abusing wives than vice versa, although the nagging wife is a staple of American humor, which we see illustrated in the newspaper comics and TV sitcoms frequently.  I did hear of one recent case in which the wife beat the husband and then took the children and left him alone.  Reliable statistics on which kind is most frequent are difficult to find and are often confusing.  But abuse of wives is likely more common because the husband is usually bigger, stronger, and can more easily intimidate the wife.  Furthermore, cultural norms often tend to favor the husband’s authority.  Also while either partner may be reluctant to admit to being abused, a wife may more easily do so than a man.  A man’s pride often will not let him admit to being beaten or hand-pecked.  There is a matter of definition here.  People may not view verbal intimidation, which is often a wife’s weapon, as abuse.  In our discussion today, I will usually speak of the husband as the abuser and the wife as the abused person.

            Let me present a sample list of actions which generally constitute abuse.  Beating, hitting, caustic criticism, nagging, belittling, sarcasm and hurtful speech, yelling, calling names, threatening, using profanity, unfaithfulness, lying, restricting finances, making fun of the other person, using spiritual intimidation and controlling.  Unrighteous dominion, a familiar phrase, constitutes the use of priesthood or other authority to control, intimidate or threaten another person.  You know the scripture from the 121 Section: “When we undertake to cover our sins, or to gratify our pride, our vain ambition, or to exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves.  The Spirit of the Lord is grieved, and when it is withdrawn, amen to the priesthood or the authority of that man.  It is the nature and disposition of almost all men, as soon as they get a little authority as they suppose, they will immediately begin to exercise unrighteous dominion.  No power or influence can or ought to be maintained by virtue of the priesthood, only by persuasion, by long-suffering, by gentleness and meekness and by love unfeigned, by kindness and pure knowledge, which shall greatly enlarge the soul without hypocrisy and without guile.”  The words control, dominion, compulsion used in that scripture clearly refer to what we now call abuse.  And while this scripture seems to refer to man, it is also possible for women to exercise control or dominion.

If some of you out in the audience are unmarried and are looking for an eternal partner, some suggestions related to the matter of what constitutes abuse may be beneficial for you in making your choice.  Ask yourself these questions: Is your prospective mate abusive or insensitive during the courtship?  Does he or she tend to be controlling?  What kind of relationship do his or her parents have with each other?  Is it mature, loving, understanding, or is there any sort of belittling, anger, sarcasm, abuse, etc.?  How do you resolve conflicts?  Does my partner make me feel appreciated, respected, loved, or rather foolish, unattractive, and embarrassed?  Does your partner engage in any extreme teasing, tickling, et cetera, that indicates a sadistic streak?  Is our communication open and direct, or manipulative and confusing?  Has my partner used physical force against me?  Does he or she become angry easily?  Do we agree on plans for a future family?  Remember that it may be difficult to change behavior patterns; heed to any warning signs early.

            Verbal abuse, and I am using the term emotional abuse interchangeably with that term, may not leave the visible scars that a physical beating would produce but may leave hidden scars just as serious.  Consider for example controlling.  One partner may attempt to control the other’s behavior even to the smallest action.  A controller may dictate what groceries to buy, what money to spend, what friends his spouse is allowed to have visit, even the littlest things she may do for herself.  Let me tell you two examples.  One young man in my BYU ward, newly married, accompanied his wife shopping and dictated every single item she put in the grocery cart.  In another example known to my wife and me, a woman gave birth to a baby who was sick and confined to the hospital.  The husband would allow his wife to go to the hospital to see the baby only twice a day.  If she left the house, she had to let him know wherever she was at all times.  Unfortunately, they lost the baby.  He insisted that she learn how to make bread--this was before bread making machines--and bake once a week.

            Next are some questions from Patricia Evans’ book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, which help one decide if she has been abused.  These are just a sample from a larger list.  He seems irritated or angry with you several times each week or more, although you hadn’t meant to upset him.  He says he’s not mad when you ask him what he’s mad about, or he tells you in some way that it’s your fault.  You frequently feel perplexed and frustrated by his responses because you can’t get him to understand your intentions.  He seems to take the opposite view from you on almost everything you mention, and his view is not qualified by “I think” or “I believe” or “I feel,” as if your view were wrong and his were right.  You sometimes wonder if he perceives you as a separate person.  These questions may help a person judge her situation.  They do not sound particularly severe, although taken together they may be.  I suggest that it be used with care.  I once read a set of such questions to a woman in my ward who was considering divorce after only a year or so of marriage.  She answered yes to them all, and that just further confirmed her decision.  I have wondered ever since whether that marriage could have been saved, but then I had not walked in her shoes.

            Now suppose that you have realized or have decided that you are being abused in your marriage.  How do you get your spouse--and we will assume the husband--to discuss or to realize it?  In some cases, the husband may know full well that he is abusing his wife; he simply does not care that he is violating Church counsel as well as the law.  In other cases, he may not know that what he is doing constitutes abuse.  This may happen, for example, because he is repeating a learned behavior that he saw as a child in his own family and that he does not know is wrong, or he may just be following his own cultural norms.  Statements from Church leaders may just sail over his head.  What should you do?  Here are a few questions that might be suggested to a person to ask himself to see whether he is abusing someone else.  It may be difficult to get him to read them or to take them seriously.  They are actually good questions for anyone, and this is the next transparency.  Perhaps have the Elders’ quorum president hand such a list out in priesthood meeting and make sure he gets a copy, or have the bishop if he will ask detailed questions as a matter of course during an interview.  Or have a teacher teach Doctrine and Covenants 121.  This is a shock-down approach which may or may not work.  More likely, the wife or the bishop or someone else will need to confront the person directly and carefully.  Do I call my spouse names with the intent to belittle or shame?  Do I make snide, put-down comments about my spouse?  Do I believe that I can’t help losing my temper?  Do I indeed lose it frequently?  Are my expectations for my spouse unrealistic?  Do I expect my wife to keep house and cook and manage the children and manage the finances and do the shopping and look nice all the time, et cetera?  Do I expect my husband to make plenty of money and to keep up on house repairs and the gardening and discipline the children appropriately and conduct Family Home Evening effectively, etc.?  Do I allow others privacy?  Do I check up on my partner?  Do I tell her exactly which groceries to buy?  Do I discount my spouse’s abilities?  Do I insist that family members obey me because I hold the priesthood?  Have I engaged in emotional blackmail, emotional threats aimed at my spouse?  Do other things--work, hunting, friends, Church duties--always come before my spouse’s needs?  Do I engage in sexual abuse or harassment?  Do I physically discipline my wife because she “needs it” or because she does not supply proper meals or because she does not meet my sexual needs?  Is my wife highly dependent on me and unable to make decisions for herself?  Does my wife complain that she has insufficient funds to manage the household because I control all the money?  Do I insist on being the main source of inspiration for each individual family member, rather than letting my spouse and children listen to the Spirit for their own inspiration?  Do I insist on making all the decisions for the family?  I believe that getting an abuser to realize and to admit that he is abusing someone like his wife is one of the most difficult problems in confronting spouse abuse.  There are no easy answers, but maybe these suggestions will help.

            There are many reasons why a spouse may abuse.  We have mentioned the possibilities of being a child in an abusive family or because of cultural norms.  But there might also be simple selfishness, immaturity, insecurity, or other reasons.  Sometimes it is a matter of pride as with husbands or wives who insist on having custody of the children after a divorce simply to prevent the partner from having them.  Effects of abuse are often severe.  Physical consequences of battering may range from bruises to wounds, even to death.  I had a student once who married a man over her parents’ objections around Christmas time one year.  She missed some class work and took an incomplete grade in the course.  When she came back in April to finish up, I did not recognize her.  She had been severely beaten by her husband, and her face looked different.  I might add that fortunately she got a prompt divorce.

            The threat of physical force or even just verbal intimidation typically causes many psychological problems.  The victim typically blames herself, asking what she did wrong.  She may try to do every little thing right to avoid abuse, and then it still may be wrong.  She may become incapable of acting for herself.  She may avoid friends when her husband forbids her to see them.  The victim may believe that nothing can be done to change the situation.  If she believes she is not getting help from Church leaders, her testimony may suffer, as may her faith, if she prays for relief and it doesn’t seem to come.  The abused person, wife, or child may feel that the Church condones abuse or does not care about victims.  She may come to view the priesthood as an instrument of power rather than one of service.  She may even see God, Father in Heaven, as cruel, malicious, vengeful, controlling, and capricious based on the role model of an abusive husband or father.  These problems may make it difficult to approach a Church leader, a bishop, or even a Relief Society president for help.  Loss of faith, or loss of perception that one is a child of God may occur.  Mistaken views about priesthood and one’s spiritual position may lead to a belief that one must endure the abuse.  The effects of spouse abuse on children may be profound.  They may develop psychological or spiritual problems.  Witnessing spouse abuse may even be termed a type of child abuse.  The abusive role models children see may largely affect the type of marriage partners they will be in their own marriages.  Finally an abusive spouse may often inflict direct physical or other types of abuse on the children.  In response to such feelings, I wish to emphasize certain points.  First of all, every person is a child of our Heavenly Father and is loved by him and by our Savior.  Nothing, nothing that anyone does can change those fundamental facts.  One may wonder why, if one prays, that God does not take the abuse away.  The answer is that everyone, including the abuser, has agency, is free, and God will not change that.  If a husband tried to control his wife, he may cause her to lose her own volition, even to question her own identity as a person or a child of God.  Such an effect is one of the most pernicious effects of abuse.  It may go very deep.  I have a favorite scripture that would help abused persons regain something of their feelings of self-worth, Romans chapter eight, 35, 38, 39: “Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall tribulation or distress or persecution or famine or nakedness or peril or sword?  For I am persuaded that neither death nor life nor angels nor principalities nor powers nor things present nor things to come nor height nor depth nor any other creature shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord.”

            Often God will help a victim bear the burdens and will help her or him to learn how to deal with them and what actions to take.  A scripture speaks of such a situation.  When Alma and his followers were enslaved by the Lamanites, God did not remove their burdens.  But, he said in Mosiah 24: 14-15: “And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage.  And this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, would do visit my people in their afflictions.  And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light.”  God may send helpers to assist you; he may provide peace and a knowledge of his love.

            My second point is that our Church leaders have spoken out repeatedly against abuse in very definite terms.  They have made it clear that a person who abuses another is not worthy of a temple recommend.  There is absolutely no question about their stand on this issue: the abused person is not guilty of the abuse.  It is not her fault.  No one deserves to be abused.  No one deserves to be treated like a doormat or a punching bag.  If one can realize that, it can help determine the proper actions to take.  Elder Richard G. Scott quoted in the book, Strengthening Our Families, which is a discussion of the Proclamation on the Family, on page 271 said: “Know that the wicked choice of others cannot completely destroy your agency unless you permit it.  And also you are free to determine, to overcome the harmful effects of abuse.  You are free to determine, to overcome the harmful effects of abuse.”  A quote from Elder Vaughn J. Featherstone in the same book reads: “For a person who has been involved in incest, who has been involved in abuse of any kind against his or her will, and that includes rape, there is no transgression, not as long as time shall last or the earth shall stand or there shall be one man upon the face thereof.”

            The ultimate reaction to abuse is, of course, divorce.  I will speak of that shortly.  But let us consider at first the possibility of staying in the marriage.  An abuser almost always will need help in overcoming his tendencies to abuse.  He will need to recognize that he needs help and that he needs to repent.  As I said before, achieving this is difficult.  It may take a shock to get him to realize that he needs to change.  Maybe if the bishop took his temple recommend away that would get his attention, although in some cases he may just blame his wife for the loss of his recommend.  In some cases, the wife may leave, and that provides the shock.  But in order for a marriage to be saved, the abuser, husband or wife, must recognize the need for repentance, must at least be teachable enough to change, even if it takes a long time.  The wife will be looking for such signs of change.  Now an abusive husband typically goes through the cycle of violence, in which he abuses the wife, then feels sorry for doing so, feels loving towards her and apologizes--the so-called honeymoon phase.  But then later, as tension builds, forgets this repentance and abuses her again.  Such cyclical, insincere repentance doesn’t solve anything, but merely makes the wife more doubtful that he ever will change.  Or it may fill her with alternate hope and despair, leaving her more confused than ever.  Some true indication of repentance, such as a willingness to go for counseling with the bishop or with a marriage counselor, or to take an anger management course, is needed.  Sometimes husbands refuse to go for counseling or break it off after a short time, but it is well worth the effort.

            Next, some points from an article in a June 1996 Ensign by Judy Olsen, “The Invisible Heart Breaker.”  I found it to be useful in suggestions about how to handle abuse.  Now she speaks only of emotional abuse.  After descriptions and definitions such as those we have used, she lists steps that couples working together might use as follows: meet together, evaluate the problem, decide to do different than before, and review often.  And then she discusses the more difficult case, that in which the abusive partner is not ready or willing to discuss the problem.  She lists these steps that can be done on one’s own: seek to know the truth--that is, try to understand your situation and face it--pray for courage in bringing the problem to light, to overcome fear and speaking up to your spouse about it, change your behavior--this is not assuming blame for the abuse but rather trying something different from unproductive responses to abuse--clearly label offending behavior, and be still--that is, be quiet and wait until the abuse stops.  And these latter two steps, she suggests speaking to your spouse in a calm manner, stating what the abuse is, and waiting.  The author presents an example: “One woman tells of her husband storming up the stairs, clearly angry over lost keys, and shouting at her, blaming her for not putting them where they belonged.  For the first time in her life she ignored the issue causing the outburst and looked him squarely in the eyes and said quietly, ‘John, you’re shouting at me.’  He stopped, momentarily stunned, then turned and went back down the stairs.  I was surprised to see that it worked,” she said.  “Ordinarily I would have frantically searched for the keys in order to make him stop yelling at me.  But for once I stood there calmly, waiting for him to speak to me kindly.  Things have improved significantly, faster than I ever would have thought.  He’s been yelling at me for years; I didn’t think he would ever change.  I didn’t know I had a part in bringing it about that change.”

            I heard years ago of another case.  A newly married couple went home for the first time, and the wife promptly started to tell her husband what to do, how to run his life.  He picked up his hat, left the house, and came back in an hour.  She was quiet for a day or two and then started in on him again.  He picked up his hat and left the house for a week.  She finally got the message.

            These examples illustrate, to use a common expression, empowerment.  While such approaches may not always work, they are certainly worth trying.  It is certainly true that most abused spouses do indeed try to make their marriages work, sometimes for many years.  Wives stay in abusive marriages for many reasons: fear, love, inability to earn a living, for the sake of the children, because of the marriage vows, for continuing hope.  Even when wives leave their marriages, it takes on the average something like eight attempts before they finally leave for good.  Of course, those are the marriages that do end in divorce.  I don’t have any statistics on the number of tries wives make to preserve their marriages that ultimately are successful, but there are many.  I was recently told of an LDS couple in which the husband was physically abusive.  The wife fled to her parents’ home here in Utah and called the Battered Women’s Alternative in California where she lived.  She persuaded her husband to enroll in their program, and he attended it.  He quit the physical abuse but still abused her verbally for four years, but they are still together, and now their life is really good.  I know of another family who had problems with whom I spent many hours as bishop, with husband and wife separately and with them together.  In this case, the husband had learned abuse in his own home and did not really understand that it was wrong.  But they overcame the abuse, and so far as I can tell, all is well with them.

            Each situation is different.  Do not take my remarks as an insistence that you or your friend or family member should stay in an abusive marriage.  The decision finally to leave, if that difficult decision is made, is up to the person who is abused.  Friends, family, and leaders should respect that decision.  Only the abused person knows all the facts.  If a wife does decide to leave a marriage, even temporarily, she may be able to return to her family’s home.  If that is not possible, she may be able to go to a women’s shelter.  If a wife begins to think that leaving is a possibility, then she should pack suitcases for her and the children, should save money as much as possible, should seek for support systems or shelters or help elsewhere.  This may be very difficult if, for example, her husband restricts the money available to her.  If he becomes a serious threat to her or to the children, then it is time to leave.  She may wish to retain a restraining order against her spouse--this is sometimes helpful.  If it is finally decided that a divorce must be obtained, it is important to realize that divorce is not necessarily the failure of a marriage; it is the acknowledgment of an already failed marriage.  While Church leaders discourage divorce, they realize that sometimes it is the best answer.  Of course, divorce has its own problems: lack of income, problems of custody, etc.  And sometimes the abuser still tries to retain control to badger the wife, or he may even be a dangerous threat.  These are matters which must be considered when divorce is contemplated.  However, success after divorce is certainly possible.  For example, I know one woman who made a very successful life for herself after leaving an abusive marriage, has an excellent job and recently remarried.  Another case was reported in last Saturday’s Salt Lake Tribune about a divorced woman who had a job as a newspaper reporter, and although she had little experience, is now the newspaper’s editor.  Guidelines for bishops and other Church leaders are useful.  Leaders should believe a victim’s account of abuse, take it seriously.  Even good active members in the Church may abuse in the privacy of their homes.  Leaders should not trivialize the abuse by suggesting that the wife do certain things to appease or satisfy her husband.  Appeasement doesn’t work.  Leaders should hear both partners in such cases, but should be careful, and this is difficult, not to provoke the abuser to further abuse of his partner just because she tattled on him.  A good way to do this is for the leader honestly to listen to the husband and hear his point of view, and then gently point out that what he is doing needs to be corrected.  Stay friends with both parties.  But the wife needs to be safe.  Leaders should not give a husband credibility just because he holds the priesthood, although this happens all too often.  The priesthood is not an office of power; it is an opportunity to serve.  Let me repeat that: the priesthood is not an office of power; it is an opportunity to serve.  Leaders can provide help in finding good professional counselors who are experts on abuse.  If a spouse finally decided to divorce after all is said and done, the leader should not stand in their way.  Leaders should not urge forgiveness until the person is ready.  And if your leader doesn’t help, go up the line.

            Let me tell you one of my favorite stories about priesthood.  It comes from Carl Fred Broderick’s book, One Flesh, One Heart.   Broderick was called as a stake president, and right after he was called, Elder Boyd K. Packer set him down and said, “Now, president, I don’t want you treating your wife like you do the stake.”  Broderick says in his book, “I was mildly offended.”  I said, “I wasn’t planning on treating either the stake or my wife badly.”  “I know,” he continued, “but you need to treat them well, differently.  In the stake when a decision is to be made, you will seek the opinion of your counselors and other concerned individuals.  Then you will prayerfully reach a decision on the matter, and they will all rally round and support you because you are the president and you have the mantle of authority.  In your family, when there is a decision to be made that affects everyone, you and your wife together will seek whatever counsel you might need, and together you will prayerfully come to a unified decision.  If you ever pull priesthood rank on her, you will have failed in your leadership.”

            How does one heal from abuse?  The book, Strengthening Our Families, that we have referred to before has some helps for both the abused person and the abuser.  The first step is to let go of accountability.  It is not the abused person’s fault.  Recover one’s agency.  Next, realize that the Savior’s atonement can help us, as has been mentioned already today.  Alma 7:12 points out that the Savior can succor us according to our infirmities.  Also helpful is the scripture found on the next transparency, Isaiah 61: “The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek.  He hath sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ash, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of happiness, that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.”  Elder Scott says further in strengthening our families with regard to healing: “I feel the pace is generally set by the individual and not by the Lord.  He expects you to use other resources available, including competent professional help when indicated, that he provides the balance needed according to his will.”  In other words, we have a role in healing ourselves, and we have the capacity to do so with the Lord’s help.  Elder Neal A. Maxwell, also quoted, says, “Of course, our genes, circumstances, and environments matter very much, and they shape us significantly.  Yet there remains an inner zone in which we are sovereign unless we abdicate.  In this zone lies the essence of our individuality and our personal accountability.”  In the process of healing, one often goes through steps of denial, anger, and finally acceptance and moving on.  Some persons sort of get stuck in the role of victim.  Avoid that and move on to being a survivor, able to look at the past with objectivity and peace.  With the help of the Lord and with the help of friends, family, Church leaders, counselors and others, we are indeed able to heal from abuse.  It may take time; in severe cases, I suspect healing will continue into the next life.  But the Savior is known as a healer.  In Isaiah 53:5 is that remarkable phrase, “with his stripes we are healed.”  It is significant and humbling to realize that the atonement is available for both the victim and the abuser.  Both are loved by the Savior.  The abuser, of course, to take advantage of the atonement must go through the steps of repentance, and that may not be easy.  Realizing that the abuser must repent but is still loved by the Lord may help us understand what we can do in a way of forgiveness.  We are asked in the scriptures to forgive those who trespass against us, as difficult as that may be.  It is important to note, however, that forgiveness cannot really be achieved until the abused person is safe.  Furthermore it may take time; forgiveness cannot be rushed.  This is most important for Church leaders to remember in talking with a person who has abused or dealt with badly--has been abused or dealt with badly.  Sometimes we are counseled to forgive and forget.  That is not a scriptural phrase; it comes from Shakespeare.  A better statement is that of Wendy Ulrich, that forgiveness is remembering with peace.  Wendy Ulrich has an interesting discussion about the story of Joseph sold into Egypt.  You remember that when Joseph’s brothers come to see him as a ruler in Egypt to buy grain, he treats them roughly and doesn’t reveal himself until the second visit.  Sister Ulrich thinks that may simply demonstrate Joseph’s inability to forgive at first, that it took him a long time to be ready to forgive what after all was a severe wrong done him.  Forgiveness is not a matter of denying or accepting the abuse.  It is a matter of coming to peace with the person and the situation.  As such it helps the abuser to know that he is forgiven, but it also helps the person who has been abused to get past that experience and move on to other things and to peace.  It is my hope and prayer that those of you with abuse problems of your own, or for which there are family members or friends with such problems, can find the right solutions to those and can find healing.  We are indeed blessed to have access to the Holy Spirit and our Heavenly Father’s counsel and to have good leaders to help in addition to the many other helps that are currently available, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.